I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
