I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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