dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
