you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize