naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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