We named our party play list daddy issues
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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