Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
