Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so let's talk penis.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
