remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
