my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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