I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
