last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
