Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
