No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
