Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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