i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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