broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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