you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize