i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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