and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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