I wish I only lived at night.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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