i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize