Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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