You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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