dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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