clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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