My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
