When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize