I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You may now shotgun with the bride
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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