Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
