Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
