I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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