She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You pole danced in your parka.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize