Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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