God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
