Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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