My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
