At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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