I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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