I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
