Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize