the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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