just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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