Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
