So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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