shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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