There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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