I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
