My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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