I will die if light touches me.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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