No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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