There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
