dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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