I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize