I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
