i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
