my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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