I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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