He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
