Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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