I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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