I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
