Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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